Roar!

My son is a monster. I am almost ok with that, and then again I sort of feel like I'm in the mom-o-sphere of 12 step programs and I've just admitted my painful secret. I know this is some kind of extension of the terrible twos, but I truly felt like a terrible mother when he threw sand on Maddie today and made her cry, called his buddy Dutch a baby, and then ran around punching and kicking all of the adults. I should add that he was wet, sandy, and naked from the waist down as he did this.

He is just wild!

It's not like I don't give him boundaries. And yet, I'm definitely into not having too many boundaries -- I think. Sometimes I wish one of those super-nannies would come to my house and unknot this terrible mess. He just has so much anger in him. It's painful to watch. And hear. His latest lovely phrase is "fucking stupid." Nice, right? I'm trying the ignore it and it'll go away strategy. So far, not working. But nothing works.

Probably the most painful is the daddy-ness of it all. Daddy is cool. Mommy is ... well there are some not nice words for what mommy is. Not his buddy, that's for sure. Like last night he woke up at 2am with a nightmare and all he wanted was daddy, but I didn't want to wake Larry. He cried and cried for daddy, but eventually he fell asleep in my arms. Boy, I felt second rate. I guess I'm the "lay down the law" and Larry's the fun dude. But Larry is not one of those dads who just lays all the hard stuff on the mom, not at all. He disciplines him and keeps him in line, and Dylan listens to him.

And Dylan is also aggressive with Larry, too (not just with me, I mean). Tries to hurt him, push the limits. Larry says I over-react and that his anger comes from that. Perhaps I do, but I don't think that's the source. Is it his little sister? Is it all on her? That's a lot for a 5 month old too shoulder. It's so painful to see him so angry, and it kills me to have to discipline him constantly. I want to say yes, not no. I want to hug him, not yank him off of his friends, or his father, or - the worst - his helpless baby sister.

And yet, he is so scared of monsters. Nightmares every night. Fear before bed. We have to check under his bed dresser, behind the door. Monsters monsters everywhere.