My outer lip

I just emerged from my darkened childhood bedroom in which I just danced my beautiful baby boy to sleep to the tinny music of his mobile. What a love! Down in the basement of my parents' sprawling suburban estate my step-son is playing on his new X-box with his friend Phillip. They were such good boys tonight. They came to my grandparents' house and ate pizza (Phillip only eats pizza and fries, which I find kind of cute) and swam in the pool at their complex and then played at the playground and didn't complain about not having their video games or about being in their house of strange old people they barely know.

It's amazing how close I am at this moment, with the fireflies in the grass outside and no children playing stickball in the middle of the street, to the life I never thought I'd have. Perhaps because it is borrowed (we'll be back in the city as soon as my kitchen is done in a few weeks), it's not so terrible. Plus my parents have mega-cable. Very nice when breastfeeding.

So I just took down a post about all the anxiety my husband's job and spending habits are causing me. I actually only posted it because I never actually think anyone reads this stupid thing. But apparently, you do. I was shocked - shocked - to see that some of you have even posted comments! I was also thrilled because it's nice to know I am actually communicating with people. But I've always thought of this thing as more of diary that gets housed in cyberspace and I don't think I would have actually posted some of that dirty laundry had a I realized.

So, I took it down for that reason, but also because I feel like it's unfair to Larry. Everything was true when I wrote it - the anxiety, the anger, the hopelessness. But as soon as I wrote it down, most of that dissappeared. The events are there and the bank account is still low, but writing down my bad feelings has always helped me to overcome them.

And the thing is, I get it. I understand completely that my husband is absolutely drained after working for 12 hours straight on his feet without so much as a lunch break. I get that that's why he needs to smoke - to relieve stress and to stop working for 10 minutes. I get that on his days off, he can barely move, let alone wake up early and head out for an all-day hike. And I know why he bought Marley that X box - he wants to make up for not seeing him enough, for dragging him between so many houses and people, for more dissapointments than any 10-year-old should have to bear.

There is also one thing I didn't mention about buying the X-box. He called and asked me if he could buy it before he did. I didn't feel like I could say no, but I could have. And we have plenty of savings. I don't really want to dip into them and I think the Xbox is an extravagance that we shouldn't even consider if we can't afford to fix my car or go on vacation, but if he really feels like its that important for his son to have this, how can I say no? How can I? And, after all, it's just money. It means nothing. I won't even notice it's gone a year from now. And the two of them will enjoy it for much longer than that.

I suppose sometimes, I feel like Larry doesn't consider how I'm going to feel, but do I always consider his feelings? What about posting a mean entry about him? Is that kind? I always want him to show up with flowers or some sort of surprise, but I do remember what it's like to go to work (it wasn't THAT long ago) and just want to get home and hit the couch.

Really, I am just lonely and not lonely for people, because my friends and family are great and always around - which is a luxury he does not have these days. I am lonely for him. I just miss him. I miss being able to laugh with him because he doesn't get to do much laughing these days. But that's because of his schedule, not because he's a bad husband. It's because he's working hard, not out partying or seeing other women or even abandoning me for his buddies. My god, his buddies must think he's dropped off the edge of the planet. I never really thought about the fact that he not only gets no time with his sons, but also no time with friends or any of the rest of his family.

I guess there's this evil little part of me that just wants him to miss me as much. And I think he does.

If I were a kind wife, I would probably arrange some sort of guy party so they could all veg out on the couch together and make stupid boy jokes. If I were a wife that didn't think about herself and dirty socks all the time.

He said to me a few weeks ago that I was the only reason he was able to hold this job- that without my support he'd have to quit. It made me feel so good. Maybe that just has to be enough for now.