A Fran Leibowitz Life

 I felt the need to write today and decided to do it as a blog post. I vaguely remembered that I had a blog out there once upon a time, but I was surprised to log in and find that there were so many posts and that they actually went until quite recently. I must have started this thing when I was pregnant with my oldest, who is now almost 14!!! Reading these old posts was like being a time traveler. I thought I might be reading someone else's thoughts, but indeed, I do remember some of these events and definitely know my own writing style, so I guess it was me all along.

Me. Who is that person and aren't we supposed to have that figured out by the time we are 20? 25 at the latest? I think I might still be discovering this person.

Don't get me wrong - I have a very solid sense of self, but we are not all Fran Leibowitz, and some of us have self-doubt. Especially those of us who were bullied as kids, were pressured into pleasing our fathers all the time, and who generally felt out of place our whole lives. As an adult, I embraced that outsider quality and used it to find friends and a community of like-minded people. After my divorce, I felt even more sure of myself. I loved meeting new people and saying, here I am. This is who I am, fuck-ups and all. Take the whole package or feel free to shop elsewhere.

But I have always been so SO susceptible to other people's views of me: My ex-husband, my son, my sister. I seem to fight with EVERYONE. All the time. So much drama. I am in therapy with literally every member of my past and present family. Except Eli, who probably needs it, too.

So? If I have so many problems with so many people, who is the problem? Who is at the center of all of these problems? Me. 

My son keeps telling me I do inappropriate things as a parent and I make poor parenting decisions. My ex-husband seems to agree and has hired a lawyer to tell me so. If I'm not fighting with my dad, it's my sister or my sister-in-law, or my mother. My daughter tells me every day she hates me. My boyfriend seems to generally like me, but I think I make him mad plenty. 

I just want to run away for a long time to someplace warm. Help me Fran Leibowitz, help me!