Tuesday, May 16, 2017

List of Middle Age Fears

Fear of eyebrows
Fear of being mean to other peoples' children
Fear of wrinkly underarms
Fear of overtalking - when you've made your point but you can't seem to wrap up without repeating yourself several times and more weakly
Fear of appearing too easy
Fear of wanting to be too easy
Fear of actually being too easy
Fear of liking being too easy
Fear of hating being too easy
Fear of overcompensating for being too easy by being an ice cold bitch
Fear of losing my sarcastic edge
Fear that the sarcastic edge might actually be hiding something less palatable
Fear that you're not really a nice person
Fear that you're a nice person who has no idea how to show it
Fear that you're past the age at which you can be forgiven for not being that nice
Fear of hairless balls - why on earth would a man shave his balls?
Fear that you are letting my children use screens too much
Fear that you cannot manage their screen usage are about to lose them down a hole in which the digital world is more real than the physical world.
Fear that you will never again spend a rainy trying to find the pattern in raindrops
Fear of your inner bitch
Fear that someone will show you his sketchbook, but refuse to read your story
Fear that your marriage was all your fault
Fear that you will repeat all the mistakes of your marriage
Fear of hemorrhoids
Fear of post-ice-cream bloat
Fear of squinting (because you can't find your glasses)
Fear that your sister is the nice version of you
Fear that never having been a friend's bride's maid was not because they had small weddings
Fear that you can't waitress
Fear of Facebook
Fear of camping in the rain
Fear of wildly fluctuating spring temperatures (a 40 degree difference over 4 days)
Fear of being recognized at CVS while buying popcorn and ice cream (3 days in a row)
Fear of small lies
Fear of your lack of fear of big lies
Fear that you are easily manipulated
Fear of over-realistic art
Fear of your sparking fuse box
Fear that you will run out of money before the end of the month
Fear that you won't be able to fix the fuse box
Until next month
After your house has gone up in flames
Fear that you will never get a promotion
Fear that your drug addict neighbor is trying to rob you
Fear that your kids don't get to ride bikes enough
Fear that your kids spend too much time in the car
Fear that you're letting everyone down
Fear that you don't visit your wheelchair-bound aunt often enough
Fear that you can't handle trying to have a conversation with her now that she's had a stroke
Fear that this means you are shallow
Fear that you are less important to her than her financial adviser
Fear that being anxious and depressed makes you a weak person
Fear that you won't be able to afford to send your kids to a nice camp
Fear that you'll spend almost as much money sending them to a crappy city camp that they hate
Fear that you are a real-life female George Costanza



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