when you have too much anxiety to sleep, write a list

Anxieties:
not being able to afford the house
being away from my kids
dishes
keeping finances in order
getting a job
not getting a job
fixing up the house
having another baby
not having another baby
losing baby weight
new neighbors
writing
not writing
putting my foot in my mouth
when is the next paycheck coming?
why do I open my mouth?
how will we pay for this house?
paying for day care
tickets
cracked computer screen
bills
credit card
living beyond our means
pissing people off
making everything more complicated than it has to be
apologizing too much
messy situations
Dylan attacking me while I'm nursing the baby
Waking up in the middle of the night worried about my kids and money
Waking up in the middle of the night to a screaming baby or Dylan with wet pajamas or night terrors or needing to pee in the potty or wanting a drink of water
Trying not to wake Larry up
Dylan not listening
pumping milk
the scale
the credit card statement
the end of the month
the morning, when it starts all over again
re-reading this list

Fears:
Not being a good mother
being a bitchy, controlling wife
not doing enough for my parents/grandparents/aunt/mother-in-law/sister-in-law
that Dylan loves Larry more
That I don't love my kids enough
That my husband doesn't love me
That my husband does love me, but doesn't like me anymore
that other people don't like me
That I'll never get hired
That my children will grow up too fast
That I will spoil them
That I am too harsh on Dylan
That I love them all too much
That I will never publish anything
not being a good friend -- always taking from others
that I am not an understanding person
not a good listener
too entitled
too demanding
too focused on my own needs to attend to my children or my husband
that my grandparents will die very soon
never being able to kick up into a handstand
not being a grown up
becoming middle aged
becoming boring
becoming stuck in my ways
being all business
not laughing enough
never again going out until 3 in the morning without worrying about having to get up in the morning
caring about such things when I should be focused on the important stuff (read: responsibilities)
that I am not working as hard as I should be and Larry is working too hard to make up the difference
never getting a break
that we are so lucky that our luck is bound to run out soon