I want something wide and vast and i don't know what it is: a new country, a new language, a new mode, a new way of moving my body, of knowing the world, of interacting with people.

I just saw a guy get robbed in the subway. Not the end of the world -- they took his i-pod, scared him a bit, ran off. People came to his defense. I went up and told the teller to call the police. Two black male robbers, one white male victim - so cliche I can't stand it. They were all in their 20's - at first I thought it was just horsing around, or a fight between people who knew each other. Just as I told the teller, the two assailants came running through the turnstiles and I said -- those two guys. I should have stuck my foot out to trip them or something, because the next moment, there was the police officer, hot on their trail (he was young and black, too --- too cliche? he wasn't officer krupke, for god's sake). He shot through the turnstile, muttering -- what they hell did they do? --- and swiveling his head all around. That-a way -- I pointed after them and he shot up the steps after them. Could have caught them - I don't know. I felt like I was in a cartoon. I was the lazy mexican with the giant sombrero and the half empty bottle of tequila - they went that-a way --- too cliche?

I want something expansive. I want a new theory, a new critique, a deconstruction of all the things I am told are not problems. You are too sensitive. They didn't mean any offense. Offense is not the issue.

My sister-in-law works with these women - these tofu and broccoli hating women and it makes her so angry. Did you ever ruin Christmas by telling other little children that Santa doesn't exist? - they demand of her, the lone Jew. Oh, we didn't mean any offense. Why would you want to feel any pain? they demand of her for attempting natural childbirth. Indeed, why would you want to feel anything? Process everything. Just eat your damn hamburgers and don't challenge things. Everyone is male and Christian and white and rich. All men are created equal. Let's all go to the mall.

Caffiene

Cannot concentrate. Comps exam two days away. Fingers twitchy. Time flows like piss from a drunk guy. How did it get to be 1:32? Why did I schedule a playgroup for 3pm? Who is Oedipa Mass, anyway?